Phrenology

 

Phrenology

Danny and Tal were throwing darts at the bar.

Actually, they were throwing them at a dart board which hung on a wall inside the bar.

Tal drained his beer as Danny pulled their darts from the pig hair target.  He separated them by color and handed the red ones to Tal.

“I have to break up with Josie. I can’t take it anymore.”

“Is it the night terrors or the fact that she never does any housework?”

“I don’t know. That stuff doesn’t really bother me anymore.”

“Is she cheating on you?”

“Not to my knowledge.”

“But dude, she’s smoking hot and you always say that the sex is amazing.”

“Both are totally true, and she treats me like a god, but…”

He threw a dart good for 30 points.

“She has asymmetrical nostrils.”

“What are you talking about?”

“The holes in her nose are not the same size and shape.”

“I know what you said. I don’t understand why that’s a concern.”

“It’s just unsettling. And I think it means something. Like she’s dishonest or she has some kind of horrible personality disorder. ”

“You’re just noticing this now?”

Danny’s dart missed the mark.

“Yeah. last night she was climbing on top of me and i looked up at her and saw her face in a way i never had before. her chin looked super weird and her nostrils are asymmetrical.”

“Ok, but i still don’t get what the big deal is.”

“I feel like it’s a sign or a symptom of something larger. Something I don’t know if I want to be a part of.”

Tal’s dart just missed the bulls-eye.

“She’s blind as a bat, can’t see shit without her glasses. Asymmetrical body parts, inferior genetics, and she has a lumpy skull. Now that ain’t right!”

“Are you talking about phrenology? Because it’s long been proven that the size and shape of one’s head and facial features is not a legitimate means of assessing character.”

“I don’t know. I think maybe phrenology was an early victim of political correctness. Doesn’t it stand to reason that a damaged or deformed skull would house a damaged or deformed brain?

And how come I can look at a person and get an immediate vibe?”

“Because you’re shallow and weird?”

“No. And it’s not just a vibe, it’s a very tangible thing. Beady eyes, heavy brow,  shifty mannerisms. Hell, probly hormonal too. Or pheremonal or whatever. Creeps give off creep scent. You KNOW when someone ain’t right.”

“But Josie doesn’t have beady eyes and a heavy brow. And the lumpy head thing is a myth.”

Danny’s dart hit for 10.

“I don’t think so, man. It’s quite possible, probable even, that phrenology is an accurate science, killed off by the early p.c. police. When a guy is on trial for robbery or rape or murder, there should be testimony from a State appointed Phrenologist and the jury should  have a big old picture of him posted on the wall of the jury room. They should consider the defendant’s looks and general vibe just as much as the evidence.”

“That doesn’t seem fair. What if it was you on trial?”

“Doesn’t bother me a bit. I look like a nice, normal, decent person. My features follow the rule of thirds, I radiate a positive vibe and my skull is free of suspicious lumps and bumps.”

“That’s why I’ve never shaved my head. I have this giant protrusion near my temple.”

Danny ran his fingers beneath his shaggy hair.

“I thought it might be a brain tumor, but if I had a brain tumor big enough to poke through my skull, I guess I’d probably be dead by now.”

“Or maybe you’re a serial killer.”

“You think I’m creepy like that?”

Danny threw a bull’s-eye.

“I don’t know. You creep the shit out of me sometimes.”

“Gee thanks.””

“Seriously, think about serial killers and sex offenders. They all have that same creepy look.””

“I don’t know…”

“Ok, think about Sean Willis. Big, misshapen head and those weird, beady eyes. Remember when you first met him? You said he gave you the creeps. And that’s before you knew anything about him.”

Tal pulled the darts from the board.

“Yeah, but that was more from the vibe that he was giving off.”

“I thought you said catching vibes was shallow and weird.”

“Only when it’s you, dude.”

“That’s fair. So, if it was dark and Sean Willis was standing behind you, you would have felt his creepy presence?”

“Probably.”

“Doubtful. He probably would have bitten a chunk out of your shoulder and kicked you down the steps and had you chained to the wall before you knew what was happening, just like he did to those girls.”

Tal handed the green darts to Danny.

“One dart, closest to the bulls eye. 20 bucks.”

“You’re on.”